Guilt

Our current situation has left me feeling so much guilt. And it's probably not what you're thinking. I know that Rowan's condition isn't my fault. This pregnancy was well planned— my type A personality wouldn't have it any other way. I started taking prenatals months before getting pregnant. I stopped drinking a month before. I also made sure that I was in excellent physical shape. I even had the Dr. take several blood samples to make sure that I wasn't lacking in vitamins, etc. So really, there wasn't anything I could have done to start this pregnancy at a healthier state. So no, I don't feel responsible for what has happened to Rowan. It's a fluke. And we were just unlucky. I guess that's what makes it so frustrating.

But I do feel guilty about the burden that this has placed on everyone, especially Brady. He has been there for me from the start, missing weeks of work, even though his responsibilities there only seem to multiply. He's spent hours on the phone, trying to maintain his role as manager while trying to keep me sane. He's been my biggest advocate, making sure that the doctors aren't making rash decisions about my care. And now, Brady's had to start taking care of so much around the house because this medication has affected me more than I could ever have imagined. I am so thankful for him. But I feel so awful for asking so much.

I feel guilty about not being the best mother to Ella. I feel terrible about having her see me this way and I wish there was more I could do to make the most of our time together before the baby comes. We still haven't had her birthday party. We tried, but I ended up in the hospital again. And nearly two months later, I still haven't given her her gift.

I feel guilty for having to ask so much from my friends and family. Everyone has been so generous with their time, especially in caring for Ella when we have been down in SLC. We are so fortunate to have such wonderful people in our lives. And while we would be happy to return the favor, I hope no one is placed in a situation such as ours.

I  feel guilty about wishing the time away. Each day has been very difficult, especially since returning home last week. My nausea and vomiting have increased to first-trimester levels. I can only drive if it's been at least eight hours since I last took my medication—that is how much it affects my vision. I just hope that my body gets used to it all and I can start functioning a little closer to normal in the near future. And maybe then, I can stop feeling so guilty about everything and start being me again.